Trying this blog thing...

The past two weeks of my life have been a whirlwind of really good moments and really really bad moments. I have began thinking that I'm losing control of my own life, and I don't like that at all. I have some friends that tell me not to worry, because what I'm going through is completely normal. I have other friends telling me that I need to be extremely careful and put a stop to what has become my destructive nature. I should explain that only 5 people know what I'm going through. God, my best friend Jeremy, my girl Shae, the problem maker who I shall refer to as "the other guy", and myself.

It hurts me that I even have to admit to the things I've done recently but without admitting to my shortcomings how can I hope to move on and not screw up again.

So we'll start the story. My boyfriend of two years decided two weeks ago that we we're not meant to be together anymore and because of that we should separate and salvage whatever we had and turn it into a friendship that would better suit both of us. Now let me explain how this affected me. First off, he broke up with me the day we had been dating two years...so a time that is supposed to be happy, just got completely dashed. Also in hitting that two year mark it had marked my longest and most consistent relationship up to this point in my life. So after aggreeing to making that transition to being friends, I began to resent myself...because they're had to be something wrong with me to make us break up.

Well the next evening the ex boyfriend decided that maybe he should call and tell me he might have made a mistake. I don't know what he was thinking but he decided that it was possible that we had something really good going for him and that he wasn't sure if he was ready to let me go yet...but he wasn't ready to take me back either. He wanted to get some advice from some friends and then get back to me. I'm not going to lie this made me absolutely furious. I wasn't able to cleanly make the break that was necessary yet...because he needed to think about it. I couldn't tell any of my friends either, because we were expected to go out the next evening to celebrate our mutual bestfriends' anniversary with all of our friends at a local pub.

So the night of the party I sike myself up assuring myself that my boyfriend would decide to get back together with me and this was just one of our little fights that we go through from time to time. Nope not at all. In fact when he does get to the pub he proceeds to mostly ignore me for the entire evening. Well this did not make me feel remotely okay. My best girlfriend asked me what was wrong and at first i wouldn't tell her but after a few glasses of the best wine i've ever had I proceeded to tell her everything. I sat there in the middle of all the happyness crying because I was upset. She tried to explain that maybe it was for the best...and even though the boyfriend was her friend to...he wasn't being fair to me and maybe i should just put my foot down and say it was over. From that point on for the rest of the night she didn't leave my side. She decided that i'd feel a lot better if I drank and just talked about it. (not my plan but i obviously didn't do much to stop it) So I continued to drink and talk to her, her husband Jeremy, and then eventually my friend Ben who i invited to join the "festivities" and our other friend Cody. Well that night went on to become even more exciting, when you add in the backseat make-0ut session and the fact that i couldn't walk straight when we decided to go to IHOP. Overall that evening made me feel a lot better and my friend Jeremy took me outside and told me that I was going to be okay no matter what happened...just to be careful and not to do anything with the guy i had invited just because i was upset and angry. And I listened to him, because I actually have feelings for that guy and didn't want to totally screw anything up with him.

Moving on to the next day. I decided that I wanted to go and hang out with some friends because it had been a long night and I felt a lot better than I had since the break up...In fact I trully think that I was beginning to move on. It was great to feel slightly frustrated at the setback instead of angry at the boyfriend and situation. So i called a couple of people and got some responses that they were tired or hungover from the night before (which miracle or miracles i wasn't at all) and finally was told by one of the guys i'd become really close to recently that he was free and he wanted to see the Time Travellers Wife. It seemed like an odd choice but i hadn't seen it and it sounded like a distraction. So we went to see the movie and ended up being the only people in the theatre. -----I'm going to side track for a second and explain that I've had a crush on the guy that i went to the theatre with for about 4 years since I met him at the old local game store where all of our social circle met. But he was married...I was 16 and that was that. However I am now 20 and am known for liking older guys. He is recently divorced and has recently dumped a crazy psycho girlfriend-----Moving back to the recent past. We were sitting their alone in the movie theatre and he made the joke that we should make out...I laughed and thought nothing of it because he's funny and that's the kinda jokes that any of my friends would make. But after joking and laughing, and watching a very depressing love story we got to the end of the movie. We sat there talking about my situation, because he knew that the boyfriend had broken up with me and he told me that he had suspected that we were gonna end things for the past several months (which kinda hurt because i hadn't seen it coming at all). He told me that i shouldn't wait for him to tell me whether the boyfriend was interested in getting back together or not. He said that I should make that decision for myself. And I had been thinking about that myself, and had pretty much decided that it was over between the two of us. So i told the boy i was sitting with that, and he responded with well you know i've been attracted to you for a long time. (which was a shock to me...He's 31, very good looking, and like i said I'd had a crush on him for a long time...we'd always had a pretty flirtatious relationship...but i have that with a lot of guys) Well i responded with I was flattered, because of course who wouldn't be.. but that i didn't think i was anywhere near being ready for a serious relationship. He agreed and stated that he wasn't either he was just looking for someone to spend time with. So then after sitting there nervous for a moment...He leaned in and kissed me... In the theatre where I work, where we're the only people in the theatre... I didn't know how to respond except i couldn't stop smiling...because as sad as i was to loose the relationship i had been in for so long I was happy at the thought that someone else (who i was attracted to) was interested.

So instead of sitting in the movie theatre (my place of employment) making out...He invited me back to his place....This is where i made my mistake. I knew that was a bad idea and I knew that i shouldn't. No matter what level of self control i had a shouldn't go. But because i'm a pretty strong willed person i wanted to and so i did. I tricked myself into thinking that no matter what, I would stick to my guns and not let anything happen that i wasn't ready for. So i got to his place and told him what my limits were. We discussed what kinda relationship we were going to have...We were going to give it a week or so and then tell our friends....We weren't going to be real serious, but i made the assumption that we were only going to see one another. Anything one things led to another and I ended up spending the night at his place (yes you can fill in the blanks) So i was still feeling pretty good about myself because a guy liked me and even though he was a really good friend of mine, i convinced myself that it was okay because we were such good friends.... I even came in from college halfway through the week to have dinner and spend some time with him. Well when I returned to town after a couple of days away...he told me he had to break our date for saturday because he has made plans with another girl....Okay i was a little confused and upset. However i was sure it was just a miscommunication. But after talking to him at dinner i figured out he was testing how serious our relationship was going to be. Now i was okay with some of this but some of it i had a big problem with. In fact we got into a conversation about how he shouldn't be in a relationship at all because he was dealing with his ex wife and how he still loved her. We decided that we would put off having any kind or relationship until he reach some sort of closure with her. So i was upset but i could deal with it. I thought...

So that's the just of the last week. However my current problem is dealing with the fact that i now have feelings for a guy that i never intended to have feelings for. He is apparently divorcing but still in love with his wife. I'm being stalked by his psycho ex girlfriend. And he thinks i'm a good person because i can put my personal feelings aside to talk to him, help him get through his problems, and still spend time with him, without it being totally weird. So now i hate myself daily for putting myself in the place that i currently am in. And i don't know what i'm doing anymore. I've talked to Jeremy and he thinks that i will come to grips with what happened and that God will direct me where to go. I agree with him but that doesn't help me deal with these people on a daily basis. I'm going to keep praying and hopefully now that he can read the whole story maybe he can help me out...